Hope: A Fools Paradise

It had started to rain today, a thick heavy rain, and I remembered my dad always telling me how the rain makes everything heavier, especially the silence. Even now in the hospital it seemed that everything had slowed down, the hall usually filled with busy nurses was now empty, the constant bustle of people outside now slowing down. Moments like this only made me wish that I could wake up the next morning without this disease in my head, but I knew that wasn’t realistic, this thing would continue grow inside me until it would leave me blank and hollow.

An itchy white blanket, an old lumpy mattress, and the uniform beeping of the machines beside me have all become a source of comfort. My mom says it will only be a couple of weeks before I’ll be done with my chemo, and then everything will be back to the way it used to be.

The truth is that I don’t see that happening to me any time soon, if anything, I feel that I am getting worse; I spend most of my time in the constraints of these four walls too tired to do anything else. I guess I’m one of the lucky ones considering the circumstances, my doctors say I have a real shot at beating this if everything goes well. I’ve been hearing that ever since we learned that I had a brain tumor and I wonder now if it will ever become reality, if I will ever get the chance to ride my bike again, or if I’ll get the chance to go on a date, or play in the snow. Get the chance to live.

They tell me that there is a new surgery that could finally fix me. I know that I shouldn’t get too excited, but I can already feel hope seeping its way inside me filling me with false joy. I can’t help but imagine what it will be like when I finally get to go home, a wave of delirium washes over me just by thinking about it . Of course just like any surgery there are risks, it might not even work on me but by now I’m willing to try anything. Minute by minute I can slowly feel this disease eating away pieces of me, and it will not stop until I’m just a mound of flesh and blood lying in this bed. The next day it had been set, and I would have been lying if I said that I wasn’t afraid.

As my world goes into a hazy fog, I imagine what my life would be like if this actually worked.

I am camping outdoors with my mom, exploring the woods and making s’mores the ashes from the fire glowing an amber of orange light. I am traveling around the world experiencing all the great wonders of this life. I feel the wind in my hair and the warmth of the sun straining down on me. For once in my life I feel free.

That was only my imagination of course, only a dream, and when I woke up nothing had changed. I was back inside the four walls, an itchy white blanket, an old lumpy mattress, and the uniform beeping of the machines beside me.